I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
