For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
