just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
How's work?
Spinning.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
