I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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