At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
