Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
