i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
