so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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