i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
