Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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