If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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