How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
