I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
