hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
