My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
