We're facebook friends in real life
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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