did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You can't special order awesome
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The best revenge is premature balding
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
