i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
