I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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