i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
