Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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