Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
