I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
