The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
