I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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