I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
