My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
