Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am puke
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
