oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
