Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
