The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The beer is more important than you right now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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