I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
