Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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