It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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