I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
