he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize