You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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