If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
