when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
