They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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