Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How's work?
Spinning.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
