She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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