I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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