It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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