I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
