I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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