She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
