and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
