you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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