i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He did a backflip because drugs
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