so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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