the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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