she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
