Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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