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Scissors
Fuck
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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