How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
