Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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