to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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