I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
