My entire life is one complicated drinking game
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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